I"m a terrible blogger, I admit it.

I'm a terrible blogger.

 I know this.



I think about writing every day, but somewhere between the brain and the hands and the computer I sort of lose track of time and it's suddenly tomorrow. And then it's the next day, and suddenly it's months later and I'm trying to figure out where the hell the time went and who the fuck decided it's winter and there's feet ( inches) of snow on my car?

Summer was filled with custody/visitation exchanges and speech therapy and working and my sister had a baby  and she's gorgeous and more working and car repairs and then school started. So far, fall has been full of school and speech therapy and unemployment ( not me, thankfully) and working and more bloody car repairs. Shout out to Progressive, they let me add roadside assistance, and then towed  my car 200 miles home AT NO COST TO ME.    I"m now a thousand bucks deeper in the hole, but my car will run another day.

I have 3 reviews to write so expect some more posts ( probably tonight, sorry), so feel free to skip those ones, but on the other hand, I got to play with some really cool stuff so you might want to read them after all.

Anyway, here are some pictures.

we got family pictures done. 

i got my hair did! 

this is true comedy. 

The long week.....

This last week has sort of sucked.

I've decided my mouth is now a money pit. It is worth more than the car I drive. If I could have half the money invested in my mouth, I'd have new tires and my worries about my car insurance would be no more.  I saw the oral surgeon, and he pulled the tooth, and 300 dollars later I have a hole in my sinus cavity that may or may not require a bone graft to repair. I can't blow my nose ( hello? I have allergies from hell. My snot locker runs the fuck away all summer long. ) I can't sneeze. ( again, allergies from hell!) There's a bunch of other stuff I can't do but I sort of drift away after the big ones. No strenuous activity, which disappointed ( devastated? ) my boyfriend, as sex = strenuous. At least it does if you are doing it right.

So I haven't slept much, due to excruciating pain radiating through my jaw, and the sinus drainage from the allergies make snore like a logger and I wake myself up. It's awesome.


I did, however, join a gym with my mom. And I play on tumblr a lot. Some of the shit people post!!! Cracks me right the hell up.


All told, I'm sorry I haven't posted. I just haven' thad the energy to do anything extra beyond getting through the day.


you can find me on tumblr at orionswatcher.tumblr.com . I'm funny there too. That used to be my fitness blog, back when I was all gung ho about getting healthy and fit and skinny! Now I use it mostly to post pictures and play with fandoms. :)

I'm crabby.

Massive storms and old trees do not mix. Last week we had an absolutely AMAZING thunderstorm, that left the top of THIS tree in my backyard.

the tree
 

the top of the tree
 

another view point of the top of the tree
 

 It was a bit of a catastrophe. Only a bit though. No one was hurt, and it didn't land on the house. And you really can't see it in these photos but underneath of the top of the tree is my 14 year olds bike.  It is no longer rideable. ( ride-able? ridable? how the fuck do you spell that?)   The crack was loud enough it woke up the man on the couch who called me at work convinced it was a tornado while herding children into the basement.

It was not a tornado, thank the gods above. It was just a storm with very strong winds. The tree was left in my backyard for several days, and I had resigned myself to stepping over sticks and branches and whatnots until the weekend when we had time to clean it up.

I should have known better.

Now, this week I have not had a lot of sleep. I'm a little crankier than normal. ( read: I'm a raving bitch and you don't have to like it, you just have to suck it the fuck up and stay out of my way. I'm tired, and I'm crabby, and I don't really care. ) I have to have surgery on my mouth again tomorrow, which now means I now have more invested in my mouth than I do in one of my cars. FUCKING RIDICULOUS. FUCK teeth. DAMN. I should have just had them all pulled out and gotten fucking dentures. Then I wouldn't be in excruciating pain no one will prescribe anything for because nobody knows how to use their drugs responsibly and people like me who don't actually get high off pain pills cant fucking have them because of people like that.

I have to have another tooth pulled out or a root canal.  Fuck that shit. I'm getting it pulled the fuck out and calling it done. Getting my wisdom teeth was SUPPOSED TO HELP with the migraines. Instead, they caused so much damage to my molars in front of them,  I can't even describe the pain.  Anyway, I finally got home from the dentist at noon, put dinner in the crock pot, and was in bed by 1 this afternoon. (Remember, I work midnights.)


Suddenly, I'm woken out of a dead sleep by MOTHERFUCKING CHAINSAWS. Not only was the tree on the ground being chopped up and hauled away, but the rest of the tree was being cut down as well. BY MOTHERFUCKING CHAINSAWS. Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME.  No warning it was coming. No courtesy phone call to say " Hey Kim, we are going to come chop down the tree today and ruin your whole afternoon, which is totally the middle of your night, but that's okay because its totally  daytime and the rest of the world is wide the fuck awake you vampire,  you should try and sleep somewhere else besides your super comfy bed, because there will be multiple chain saws under your windows for an hour or two!" Just BOOM your nap is over.


Fuck. FUCK.

I was pissed. I'm still pissed.

I never did get to go back to sleep, either.

Like a thief in the night... ( potty words)

I'm sneaking a bowl of pasta. I'm a terrible mother.  I made cacio e pepe, as taught by Fabio.  You'll notice below I  have a picture of two Fabio's.

not this Fabio.

This Fabio

The Fabio on the left is the model and harlequin romance god. Well, to some. I don't really think he's all that attractive. Definitely not on my I'd do him list. The Fabio on the right is the chef, and while I probably wouldn't put myself out there for him either, he teaches cooking in a way that is simple and easy to understand. And I think he's a lot easier on the eyes than the blond Adonis wanna be on the left.



My 14 year old

how the hell is he 14 already?!

is required to follow a gluten free diet. To show our support, his stepfather and I are doing our best to follow it as well.  It's going to kill me.



Okay, probably not. I'll probably feel a shitton better when it's all said and done, as the current research ( and yeah, I'm aware a lot of it is people trying to blow smoke up my ass) indicates the removal of gluten from your diet will help with migraines ( check), autoimmune disorders ( check) , ADHD, and emotional outbursts/sensitivity.

But, I'm a pasta addict. I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed it. To function. Every day. I don't actually eat it every day but I do eat it pretty regularly.

Saturday night we had hamburgers for dinner. HUGE meltdown when he realized he couldn't have a bun. He was literally going to refuse to eat! The kid is skin and bones to begin with due to his metabolism and the months we've spent trying to figure out what was causing his stomach issues. I was PISSED!!!!  Like dude, really! I get that it's shitty you don't get to eat what you want, but you still have to eat the very expensive and really fucking good hamburger we made you. Minus the bun.  Would have put in a lettuce wrap but I forgot to buy lettuce. ( worst mother in the world remember?)  He wound up eating anyway, but initially only because his mother is some kind of bitch. Not because his bitchy mother's food was good. And it was damned good.

I was mad.

And since I didn't eat a bun in a show of parental solidarity, I got up at 5 am on Sunday morning and made some damned spaghetti.

And then I hid that shit. 

Man. 

I'm melting!!!!! Really. It's only sortof a joke.

It's been to hot to think. To hot to sleep. To hot for sex. To hot to cook. And I  hate to complain, because where I live we literally have snow into June.

JUNE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

this has nothing to do with this post but it's super pretty so wanted to share it.

So summer is very well loved when it is here.


BUT this crazy 90+ degrees with no shade or breeze and 10,000% humidity isn't working. If I wanted to live in this soup, I'd move back down south.  Much love to my southern friends and family, huge props to you. I can't freakin' handle this shit.  I've lived in the north to long, and my kids have never lived anywhere else.


I'm literally melting. I've lost 4 pounds since yesterday, and ITS TO HOT TO EXERCISE!  JUST SITTING or NOT SLEEPING, I've sweat so much I'm losing weight. This is NOT HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO BE LOL.

Me.

Thankfully, I have a very good friend who said to me " AC isn't any fun if I can't share it! Come over!" So my family is camping out in her living room. My extremely hot and cranky family. Because the heat has turned my normally sweet and loving and kind children into these screaming shrews I sort of want to pretend I don't know.

the screaming shrew

Christmas , when everybody was happy.

Do you SEE THE DIFFERENCE.

That being said, life is always busy.

 We have been struggling for months with the teenagers stomach issues, and are now moving to a gluten free diet to try and see if THAT is the problem, or if something else is causing it. I have NO IDEA where to start. I just want his tummy to stop hurting.  We'll see how it goes. 

The littlest minion has started speech therapy. Hopefully, by the time all is said and done, he'll be able to be understood by everybody and not just me.  That eats up a large majority of my week.

The day after...( potty words)

Okay guys, yesterday was the Pintester Movement 2.0 post, and let me tell you. I just read some of the funniest shit on the internet.  I tried to leave a comment on everybody's blog, but wasn't able to on a couple of them. Please know I read it, and appreciated your effort, even if I didn't comment as I wanted to.

That being said: Today (well, yesterday, now) was a LONG FUCKING DAY. I work midnights, so my normal routine is to get home about 730 and go to bed by 8 and sleep until about 330, 4oclockish, ( totally wrote cock-ish the first time, sigh)  get up, hang out with my army, feed them, and hang out again until bedtime. The weekends, though, that is a whole 'nother ball game. Sleep is highly overrated and extremely sought after.
I carpooled, so had to pick up my carpool partner, and get groceries, because we were making crepes for breakfast, and because I had forgotten I promised my daughter her bestie could come over today and that added at minimum one extra person for breakfast and I wasn't sure I had enough cereal.
I also had to pick up said bestie and her little brother, my youngest son's bestie. Alas, no pictures of them online as yet, because I forgot to ask their mom permission and you never ever post pictures of OPK ( other peoples kids) without permission from their mom. That's just skeezy. Anyway.

the darer

She's a good girl, smart, funny, and of course gorgeous. But, like all big sisters, a complete bitch to her brothers. She DOUBLE DOG DARED one of her brothers to eat dirt the other day...and rather than lose face and the respect of his big sister, the little fucker ate it. Thank god it wasn't from the sand pit the barn cat I can't find a home for uses as a shitbox. 

the dirt eater

If this computer doesn't stop deleting my shit( I swear its not me!) I'm going to chuck it out the fucking window and the let the skunks play with it. Damnit. I just posted that picture 4 freakin times!

Then I thought well, I'll lay down for a couple hours and get up and take the kids to the lake.  TWENTY EFFING MINUTES LATER we were at the lake. 

I'm missing a few big kids here yet. super pissed.

My parents stopped over. That was actually really cool, becuase its the first time I was able to see them since they went to Montana to visit MY little brother, my sister in law and my niece. They will be here in August and I cannot wait. 

Anyway: I wound up with something like 9 kids here today. So.....guess who didn't get much sleep? That's right, this mama here.  So when the grill didnt get fired up until 830  I was already really tired. 

My minion loves to help grill. I think he just likes the fire.

Followed up by a smores' extravaganza 

itty bitty portable firepit we borrowed from a friend

I didn't make it. I fell asleep on the couch, completely ignoring my 4 children were outside with their father, my teenager's ( who never lets me take a picture but I snuck one in anyway hahaha) best friend, and the two neighbor children. Thankfully, the extra two I had earlier int he day had already gone home. I think I'd have been bald for real. 

MOM WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!

 

All in all, it was a good day,but because I fell asleep on the couch at 9 oclock, I got up at 3, which totally allowed me to finish reading and commenting on the awesomely funny stuff that occurred with the newest  pintester movement.

I can't wait to play with her movements again. ( insert obligatory shit joke here). 

I can't wait!

To read all the new Tests from the Pintester movement. I will read them this afternoon, and comment, I promise!!! This mama has to take a freakin nap. Yeah, I get that it's 10 am, but I get out of work at 7 am and came home and made crepes with multiple fillings and strawberry syrup for 7 children and my house is demolished. It's most definitely bedtime.


Pintester movement

Permanent Mortification (potty words) *UPDATED*

Ever wrote a message to one of your internet hero's you sound like a TOTAL BOOB in and so you decide NOT TO SEND IT until you GET IT RIGHT and accidentally hit send  instead of x and suddenly you see the pop up YOUR MESSAGE HAS BEEN SENT? 


Suddenly your heart is beating to fast and your gasping for breath and YOU CAN FEEL YOUR BLOOD VESSELS DILATING IN YOUR FACE WHILE YOU BLUSH FURIOUSLY even though NOBODY CAN SEE YOU because your alone.


It's to late to get that back. That person how has the power to sit at home and be like DAMN LOOK AT THIS BITCH CANT EVEN GET OUT A SENTENCE RIGHT. AND THEN SHARE IT. Fuck.

 Permanent mortification.


I did this today. I wanted to send a witty comment in reply to one of my favorite blogs ( http://bitchesgottaeat.blogspot.com/ ). She's hilairous, but one comment in particular cracked me right up, and I wanted to share my thoughts on it. Instead I was all 


HI IM LATE TO THE PARTY BUT BLAH BLAH BLAH IM NERVOUS AND RAMBLING AND I LOST MY POINT BECAUSE IM AN IDIOT AND click. I hit the wrong button and *poof*, my idiocy is now immortalized in internet history for eternity and I can. Never. Get. It . Back. Ever. 


On the other hand: My daughter double dog dared her brother to eat dirt. 

He did it.

 Never underestimate the power of the desire to impress your big sister and the ultimate sanctity of the double dog dare.  

7/16/13 UPDATE:

SHE TOTALLY WROTE ME BACK. I was totally melting into my chair,(becuase its HOT AS HADES UP IN MY HOUSE)  and suddenly had a new FB message. AND it was my internet hero, and she was like DONT BE NERVOUS!

So even though said hero probably got a good giggle out of my idiocy, she was also kind enough to write back and make me feel better. Which was nice.

Pintest re-deaux: SummertimeSplashy Nails (potty words ahead!)

As mentioned in the previous post, I signed up to participate in the Pintester movement 2.0. ( read more info here:  http://pintester.com/category/pintester-movement/

I also asked for assistance in choosing a pin. There's a lot of stuff over there on Pintester to play with, and I get overwhelmed easily. Kate suggested we get together and do the following pin test: http://pintester.com/2012/05/summertime-splashy-nails/ .

I am not a girly girl. I don't  do my nails, do my hair, do my makeup. I wear yoga pants and tshirts everywhere I go. So I said, " What the hell?" As in "Are you effing serious?!" and followed it up with " Why not?" The original pin appears to be here: http://pinterest.com/pin/44965696249838931/ .
  Unfortunately, the original blog http://www.beautylish.com/photos no longer has the photo of the pin we are playing with today. BUT we forged ahead, in the spirit of " We are going to fake it till we make it and hope it works" Kinda like my cooking. ( Like I made chicken in my mom's crock pot today and my teenager told me it was dry. How the hell does that happen? I think he was confused, because that shit was GOOD and moist. )

Sonja posted the directions she found, which made it infinitely easier, because I look at this shit and am like what the fuck does she have on her hands? Kate, on the other hand, is a home painting nail pro and does this shit for fun.  The directions are as follows: ( BTW You'd know this if you looked at the link above, but I'll share them anyway)

Directions:
1. White Base Color
2. Place small dots of colored polish in corner of nail.
3. Spread colored polish dots outward with a toothpick.
4. Apply topcoat.
5. Voila!

Looks pretty. Kinda firework-y and summery. Not something I personally would want to wear into public, but what the hell. My daughter might get a thrill out of it.

First, we assembled the cast of characters. ( Mind you, its like 10 am at this point, I had just gotten out of work a couple hours prior and was TIRED. )

Kate is going to use the striper nail polish thing on her nails, and I'm just going to paint mine.

 

 

 

 So far, so good! Right? Right!

 

WTF. This does not look like the pictures. 

Still, not like the pictures.

 

All in all, I'm wearing it around town because my daughter thinks I look like " super pretty mom!"

 

And its not the worst thing I've ever done. Way, WAY more work than it's worth to paint your nails.

 

 





Pintester and her movements.....

Tee hee hee! Take that, Pintester! A poop joke ( har har har) in the title. I am so amused with myself, I don't have words.

Okay thats a lie. I have lots of words.

Okay to get to the point.  I signed up to recreate a pin the pintester has already tested. If you don't know who the Pintester is, you are seriously missing a huge piece of internet hilarity. She's one of my favorite bloggers, and when she writes back to me on twitter, I get a little thrill. Simple minds. Dont ask. ANYWAY.

I need help. I don't which pin to test!

 http://pintester.com/2013/06/the-pintester-movement-v-2-0/
Here is her post detailing the rules.


http://pintester.com/ is her blog. Go there. Review her stuff. Help me decide what I should do, bearing in mind my rules.

A) I'm broke.

B) I'm fat. I refuse to appear on camera. Therefore, nothing I appear in will appear on this blog until I lose the 60 pounds

C) I work full time and have an army of children so short and to the point. Baking is okay. Days long projects are not okay.


I'm looking forward to your ideas and suggestions, and we all know I need them.

Thanks!

Customer Service 101 ( adult language)

My planned post is going to have to come up tomorrow. The cashier at Wal-mart pissed me off today. Here's a few lessons I've learned in my many years of customer service. And believe me when I tell  you I am pro. You will never ever know how much of a tool I think you are when I am on the phone with your, or face to face.


If you are going to be a cashier at Walmart, no matter how shitty you think your job is, guaranteed your customer's don't want to be in your store either.
Nobody likes Walmart. Nobody.
1:Don't stand there with your arms crossed and a fuck the world expression on your face.

 It just makes your customers even ruder because you give the impression of being a total douche-bucket.

2: Fake it till you make it sister. Smile and think all the rude thoughts you want, but don't let that shit show on your face.

3: When you are pleasant and smile, your customers are pleasant and smile.

4: Own your shit.

You work in a shitty store. Get over it. Clean your register up. Don't expect people to be nice when you are checking out their veggies  on a filthy belt covered in your snot.

5: DON'T BE A DICK. I cannot reiterate this enough.  Smile and nod and wish them a happy day and GET THE FUCK OVER YOUR BUTTHURT SELF.

6: At the end of the longest day of your life, you have to live inside your head. Is it a happy place? Are you happy with who you present to the world?


7: Empathy counts, people. I'm not saying take someone's pain and make it your own, I'm saying feel sympathy for the dickwad that just came through your line because maybe he's buying those depends for his demented grandmother who doesn't recognize him and accused him of some atrocious behavior when all he's doing is trying to take care of her and so maybe he's so stressed and miserable and hurting he can't see he's being a dickwad. Customer service isn't about YOU, hooker, its about YOUR CUSTOMER.  Save your shit for the end of the day. Fuck.

Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping.

And suddenly, it's the future. My almost 14 year old had his first paid babysitting job today. How is that even possible?! He was just a baby yesterday! Now, he's taller than me, with facial hair and a grown man's voice. Breaks this mama's heart.

I remember when he was first born, he was the most beautiful baby I'd ever laid eyes on. As he grew, he was incredibly affectionate and loving. Now he's a teenager with a mohawk and most days I just sort of want to dig into his brain and figure out what the hell he is thinking. I don't remember being closemouthed as a teenager. In fact, anybody that knew  me then will tell you I was not shy about voicing my opinions, with considerably less tact than I have now. If I thought it, felt it, feared it, wanted it, it was coming out of my mouth for the world to know about it, and to hell with what anybody thought about it! Now, of course, I learned how to be a bit more diplomatic and tactful. I still think it all, I just don't always say it all.

I'm to busy tonight to write a really long post, even though I have lots to say, so here is a picture.

He loves his brothers. 

Weddings and Life and Anxiety, oh my!(adult language. lots of potty words.)

SFWG Here with a couple confessions:

First of all: I'm a shitty blogger. I admit it. I think about shit to post every day, but don't often make the time to actually sit my fat ass down and write it out. I'm sorry for that. I'm working on it. I'd promise to do better but I don't make promises I can't keep, and I can't promise to keep that one.

Life is perennially busy. ( Is that grammatically correct? Perennial = permanent? ) My stepson was home for two weeks, and life was total chaos and I loved it. Then he went to his mom's house, and my other two littles went to their dad's house for two weeks. My oldest son's father's family has suddenly decided since his father has another kiddo ( who is super cute, by the way), they regret missing all the time they could have had with my son, and oh can he come to the family reunion! What the hell? I left it up to my son, and he wants to go to see his little brother but says everybody else he can do without. I don't blame him.
I'm pretty bitter about it and trying to pretend I'm not.

My boyfriend finally agreed to actually marry me and not just give me lip service. It's only been 5 years so I think its about time. Now I'm all wound up about dresses ( 60 pounds to lose, fuckers, 60 fucking pounds. Holy shit) and receptions and playlists and dinners and I'm poor so my wedding wont be as fancy as my beautiful sisters was and she's having her first baby in August and when should we schedule the wedding and should we just go to the courthouse and have an actual wedding wedding after i dump the 60 fucking pounds and  can actually fit into a dress and look pretty or just say fuck it and who the hell would come since all our friends are scattered across the country and who the hell wants to come to the UP and do you SEE WHAT I'M DEALING WITH HERE?!

I can't handle it. I think we'll just go to the courthouse and not tell anybody.

Also:  I forgot what else I was going to write. I can't blame in on the wine, sadly, as I'm not drinking. I'm just a space cadet.

As always, comments and opinions are welcome, just keep it respectful.

Spring Fever!!

I received in the mail this week a VOXBOX from INFLUENSTER! Super stoked. Inside it, I recieved the following:



Broadway Nails imPRESS
Press-on Manicure
@BwayNails / #imPressRevolution

Secret Outlast Clear Gel Antiperspirant/Deodorant @SecretDeodorant / #WhiteMarksFail

Schwarzkopf Professional
@SchwarzkopfUSA / #OSiSLove

NYC New Yorkk Color Applelicious
Glossy Lip Balm
@NYCNewYorkColor/
#Applelicious

 Tastykake Kandy Bar Kakes
@TastyKake / #TastyKake
 

Now, this was all complimentary, and strictly for testing purposes from Influenster.  I dunno about you all, but I really dig free stuff, especially girly stuff. And really, you can't go wrong with a Tastycake. ( Hello? Chocolate? SFWG here....ain't no skimpin' on chocolate!) 

I decided to try out the press-on manicure. I was initially pretty excited, first of all because I'm a girl, and most girls I know like pretty stuff. A lot of guys I know, too, actually, now that I think about it....I digress. Second, because I like having my nails done, and if I can get them done, without the fuss of acrylics and constant upkeep and expense, this short fat white girl is all about it. (I should probably mention this SFWG is po'...as in to poor for the "or").  

Mine came in a hot pink color, and the packaging was neat. Looked like nail polish, and everything was all set up in this little nail polish looking box. 

Unfortunately, I either have fat fingernails (no) , or this was not actually designed for adults with real jobs. Sooooo, I used my daughter. 

Try to pretend I didnt cut half her face off with the Kindle Fire; my good digital camera was missing along with my cell phone. Go figure.  The kindle takes pretty good pictures though.

At any rate, you can see the little bits of nail hanging out there on top of the stool. 

Putting them on was pretty simple. It came with a "prep pad" to clean the nail,and then ( you can't see it here, sorry) , there is a little plastic-y strip under the nail covering the sticky stuff. You pull that off, press firmly, and voila! Instant manicure!

I'm not super into hot pink, but my daughter was thrilled!

It really feels funny on my face!

She got the biggest thrill out of running her fingers through her hair with long nails!

you can see here clearly the nails are not designed for grown up fingers.

Overall, for the 8 bucks these babies run, it was fun for my 8 year old to play with them. I would probably never wear them myself in real life, as I have a real job, and they are designed to small for my nail beds.  I would however, not feel badly about setting them up for a group of little girls at a spa day birthday party event or something like that. They are cheap, and easy to put on, and according to my daughter, fun to wear. 

Thanks @Influenster, for letting me play with these! 

Tomorrow, I'll review the gloss, and the tastycake!