Like a thief in the night... ( potty words)

I'm sneaking a bowl of pasta. I'm a terrible mother.  I made cacio e pepe, as taught by Fabio.  You'll notice below I  have a picture of two Fabio's.

not this Fabio.

This Fabio

The Fabio on the left is the model and harlequin romance god. Well, to some. I don't really think he's all that attractive. Definitely not on my I'd do him list. The Fabio on the right is the chef, and while I probably wouldn't put myself out there for him either, he teaches cooking in a way that is simple and easy to understand. And I think he's a lot easier on the eyes than the blond Adonis wanna be on the left.



My 14 year old

how the hell is he 14 already?!

is required to follow a gluten free diet. To show our support, his stepfather and I are doing our best to follow it as well.  It's going to kill me.



Okay, probably not. I'll probably feel a shitton better when it's all said and done, as the current research ( and yeah, I'm aware a lot of it is people trying to blow smoke up my ass) indicates the removal of gluten from your diet will help with migraines ( check), autoimmune disorders ( check) , ADHD, and emotional outbursts/sensitivity.

But, I'm a pasta addict. I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed it. To function. Every day. I don't actually eat it every day but I do eat it pretty regularly.

Saturday night we had hamburgers for dinner. HUGE meltdown when he realized he couldn't have a bun. He was literally going to refuse to eat! The kid is skin and bones to begin with due to his metabolism and the months we've spent trying to figure out what was causing his stomach issues. I was PISSED!!!!  Like dude, really! I get that it's shitty you don't get to eat what you want, but you still have to eat the very expensive and really fucking good hamburger we made you. Minus the bun.  Would have put in a lettuce wrap but I forgot to buy lettuce. ( worst mother in the world remember?)  He wound up eating anyway, but initially only because his mother is some kind of bitch. Not because his bitchy mother's food was good. And it was damned good.

I was mad.

And since I didn't eat a bun in a show of parental solidarity, I got up at 5 am on Sunday morning and made some damned spaghetti.

And then I hid that shit. 

Man. 

I'm melting!!!!! Really. It's only sortof a joke.

It's been to hot to think. To hot to sleep. To hot for sex. To hot to cook. And I  hate to complain, because where I live we literally have snow into June.

JUNE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

this has nothing to do with this post but it's super pretty so wanted to share it.

So summer is very well loved when it is here.


BUT this crazy 90+ degrees with no shade or breeze and 10,000% humidity isn't working. If I wanted to live in this soup, I'd move back down south.  Much love to my southern friends and family, huge props to you. I can't freakin' handle this shit.  I've lived in the north to long, and my kids have never lived anywhere else.


I'm literally melting. I've lost 4 pounds since yesterday, and ITS TO HOT TO EXERCISE!  JUST SITTING or NOT SLEEPING, I've sweat so much I'm losing weight. This is NOT HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO BE LOL.

Me.

Thankfully, I have a very good friend who said to me " AC isn't any fun if I can't share it! Come over!" So my family is camping out in her living room. My extremely hot and cranky family. Because the heat has turned my normally sweet and loving and kind children into these screaming shrews I sort of want to pretend I don't know.

the screaming shrew

Christmas , when everybody was happy.

Do you SEE THE DIFFERENCE.

That being said, life is always busy.

 We have been struggling for months with the teenagers stomach issues, and are now moving to a gluten free diet to try and see if THAT is the problem, or if something else is causing it. I have NO IDEA where to start. I just want his tummy to stop hurting.  We'll see how it goes. 

The littlest minion has started speech therapy. Hopefully, by the time all is said and done, he'll be able to be understood by everybody and not just me.  That eats up a large majority of my week.

The day after...( potty words)

Okay guys, yesterday was the Pintester Movement 2.0 post, and let me tell you. I just read some of the funniest shit on the internet.  I tried to leave a comment on everybody's blog, but wasn't able to on a couple of them. Please know I read it, and appreciated your effort, even if I didn't comment as I wanted to.

That being said: Today (well, yesterday, now) was a LONG FUCKING DAY. I work midnights, so my normal routine is to get home about 730 and go to bed by 8 and sleep until about 330, 4oclockish, ( totally wrote cock-ish the first time, sigh)  get up, hang out with my army, feed them, and hang out again until bedtime. The weekends, though, that is a whole 'nother ball game. Sleep is highly overrated and extremely sought after.
I carpooled, so had to pick up my carpool partner, and get groceries, because we were making crepes for breakfast, and because I had forgotten I promised my daughter her bestie could come over today and that added at minimum one extra person for breakfast and I wasn't sure I had enough cereal.
I also had to pick up said bestie and her little brother, my youngest son's bestie. Alas, no pictures of them online as yet, because I forgot to ask their mom permission and you never ever post pictures of OPK ( other peoples kids) without permission from their mom. That's just skeezy. Anyway.

the darer

She's a good girl, smart, funny, and of course gorgeous. But, like all big sisters, a complete bitch to her brothers. She DOUBLE DOG DARED one of her brothers to eat dirt the other day...and rather than lose face and the respect of his big sister, the little fucker ate it. Thank god it wasn't from the sand pit the barn cat I can't find a home for uses as a shitbox. 

the dirt eater

If this computer doesn't stop deleting my shit( I swear its not me!) I'm going to chuck it out the fucking window and the let the skunks play with it. Damnit. I just posted that picture 4 freakin times!

Then I thought well, I'll lay down for a couple hours and get up and take the kids to the lake.  TWENTY EFFING MINUTES LATER we were at the lake. 

I'm missing a few big kids here yet. super pissed.

My parents stopped over. That was actually really cool, becuase its the first time I was able to see them since they went to Montana to visit MY little brother, my sister in law and my niece. They will be here in August and I cannot wait. 

Anyway: I wound up with something like 9 kids here today. So.....guess who didn't get much sleep? That's right, this mama here.  So when the grill didnt get fired up until 830  I was already really tired. 

My minion loves to help grill. I think he just likes the fire.

Followed up by a smores' extravaganza 

itty bitty portable firepit we borrowed from a friend

I didn't make it. I fell asleep on the couch, completely ignoring my 4 children were outside with their father, my teenager's ( who never lets me take a picture but I snuck one in anyway hahaha) best friend, and the two neighbor children. Thankfully, the extra two I had earlier int he day had already gone home. I think I'd have been bald for real. 

MOM WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!

 

All in all, it was a good day,but because I fell asleep on the couch at 9 oclock, I got up at 3, which totally allowed me to finish reading and commenting on the awesomely funny stuff that occurred with the newest  pintester movement.

I can't wait to play with her movements again. ( insert obligatory shit joke here). 

I can't wait!

To read all the new Tests from the Pintester movement. I will read them this afternoon, and comment, I promise!!! This mama has to take a freakin nap. Yeah, I get that it's 10 am, but I get out of work at 7 am and came home and made crepes with multiple fillings and strawberry syrup for 7 children and my house is demolished. It's most definitely bedtime.


Pintester movement

Permanent Mortification (potty words) *UPDATED*

Ever wrote a message to one of your internet hero's you sound like a TOTAL BOOB in and so you decide NOT TO SEND IT until you GET IT RIGHT and accidentally hit send  instead of x and suddenly you see the pop up YOUR MESSAGE HAS BEEN SENT? 


Suddenly your heart is beating to fast and your gasping for breath and YOU CAN FEEL YOUR BLOOD VESSELS DILATING IN YOUR FACE WHILE YOU BLUSH FURIOUSLY even though NOBODY CAN SEE YOU because your alone.


It's to late to get that back. That person how has the power to sit at home and be like DAMN LOOK AT THIS BITCH CANT EVEN GET OUT A SENTENCE RIGHT. AND THEN SHARE IT. Fuck.

 Permanent mortification.


I did this today. I wanted to send a witty comment in reply to one of my favorite blogs ( http://bitchesgottaeat.blogspot.com/ ). She's hilairous, but one comment in particular cracked me right up, and I wanted to share my thoughts on it. Instead I was all 


HI IM LATE TO THE PARTY BUT BLAH BLAH BLAH IM NERVOUS AND RAMBLING AND I LOST MY POINT BECAUSE IM AN IDIOT AND click. I hit the wrong button and *poof*, my idiocy is now immortalized in internet history for eternity and I can. Never. Get. It . Back. Ever. 


On the other hand: My daughter double dog dared her brother to eat dirt. 

He did it.

 Never underestimate the power of the desire to impress your big sister and the ultimate sanctity of the double dog dare.  

7/16/13 UPDATE:

SHE TOTALLY WROTE ME BACK. I was totally melting into my chair,(becuase its HOT AS HADES UP IN MY HOUSE)  and suddenly had a new FB message. AND it was my internet hero, and she was like DONT BE NERVOUS!

So even though said hero probably got a good giggle out of my idiocy, she was also kind enough to write back and make me feel better. Which was nice.

Pintest re-deaux: SummertimeSplashy Nails (potty words ahead!)

As mentioned in the previous post, I signed up to participate in the Pintester movement 2.0. ( read more info here:  http://pintester.com/category/pintester-movement/

I also asked for assistance in choosing a pin. There's a lot of stuff over there on Pintester to play with, and I get overwhelmed easily. Kate suggested we get together and do the following pin test: http://pintester.com/2012/05/summertime-splashy-nails/ .

I am not a girly girl. I don't  do my nails, do my hair, do my makeup. I wear yoga pants and tshirts everywhere I go. So I said, " What the hell?" As in "Are you effing serious?!" and followed it up with " Why not?" The original pin appears to be here: http://pinterest.com/pin/44965696249838931/ .
  Unfortunately, the original blog http://www.beautylish.com/photos no longer has the photo of the pin we are playing with today. BUT we forged ahead, in the spirit of " We are going to fake it till we make it and hope it works" Kinda like my cooking. ( Like I made chicken in my mom's crock pot today and my teenager told me it was dry. How the hell does that happen? I think he was confused, because that shit was GOOD and moist. )

Sonja posted the directions she found, which made it infinitely easier, because I look at this shit and am like what the fuck does she have on her hands? Kate, on the other hand, is a home painting nail pro and does this shit for fun.  The directions are as follows: ( BTW You'd know this if you looked at the link above, but I'll share them anyway)

Directions:
1. White Base Color
2. Place small dots of colored polish in corner of nail.
3. Spread colored polish dots outward with a toothpick.
4. Apply topcoat.
5. Voila!

Looks pretty. Kinda firework-y and summery. Not something I personally would want to wear into public, but what the hell. My daughter might get a thrill out of it.

First, we assembled the cast of characters. ( Mind you, its like 10 am at this point, I had just gotten out of work a couple hours prior and was TIRED. )

Kate is going to use the striper nail polish thing on her nails, and I'm just going to paint mine.

 

 

 

 So far, so good! Right? Right!

 

WTF. This does not look like the pictures. 

Still, not like the pictures.

 

All in all, I'm wearing it around town because my daughter thinks I look like " super pretty mom!"

 

And its not the worst thing I've ever done. Way, WAY more work than it's worth to paint your nails.

 

 





Pintester and her movements.....

Tee hee hee! Take that, Pintester! A poop joke ( har har har) in the title. I am so amused with myself, I don't have words.

Okay thats a lie. I have lots of words.

Okay to get to the point.  I signed up to recreate a pin the pintester has already tested. If you don't know who the Pintester is, you are seriously missing a huge piece of internet hilarity. She's one of my favorite bloggers, and when she writes back to me on twitter, I get a little thrill. Simple minds. Dont ask. ANYWAY.

I need help. I don't which pin to test!

 http://pintester.com/2013/06/the-pintester-movement-v-2-0/
Here is her post detailing the rules.


http://pintester.com/ is her blog. Go there. Review her stuff. Help me decide what I should do, bearing in mind my rules.

A) I'm broke.

B) I'm fat. I refuse to appear on camera. Therefore, nothing I appear in will appear on this blog until I lose the 60 pounds

C) I work full time and have an army of children so short and to the point. Baking is okay. Days long projects are not okay.


I'm looking forward to your ideas and suggestions, and we all know I need them.

Thanks!