hello 2021, it's been a while...a whole year we've been waiting for you

 When it rains, it pours, as the adage goes- and 10 days in 2021 is not shaping up to be a huge improvement over 2020.

Nationwide, 2020 brought us the coronavirus, it brought us a spotlight to shine on the systemic racism so inherent in our justice system, it brought a spotlight to the corruption in our government- and those are only the things I can remember off the top of my head. 

It also brought death to the lives of my children in a lot of ways. My kids lost one of their grandparents, often the only stable footing they had at their father's house. It brought death to some of their innocence, as they witnessed their father's drug use and subsequent jail time. Hopefully, he's able to get sober, get clean, and stay that way for a while. We'll see. He's never managed it before for a long period of time so hopefully this long jail sentence makes a difference. 

It brought new mental illnesses, exacerbated old ones, and maybe lupus to me. These are gifts I could have done without, but I'm counting on the strength I've learned to help carry me through. 

2020 brought me a grandchild, although he won't be here until this spring, and a new daughter (inlaw). Her 2021 hasn't started out so hot either - her mom also has some substance abuse issues and is in rehab, and she found her great-uncles body a few days ago. This pregnancy has not been easy on her at all, although she still says she wants at least two more. She's braver than I am, that's for sure. There are 5 years between my oldest kids for a reason.

I left Ashford to move to a school with a more dedicated program aligning with my long term goals than Ashford could provide, and so far, that's gone well. I started classes at SNHU this last week, and I managed to get my work done and work an 80 hour week. 

I'm exhausted. 

Once a month should do the trick!

I start out every week with the best of intentions. I WILL write in my blog today! I WILL clean my house! I WILL have a great work week!

So far, I've managed none of those lofty goals, but I do manage a reasonably good work week most of the time. We are currently in a hiring binge, and bringing on forty new people. This is great for our business and clients, but makes my life a living fucking hell, honestly. Scheduling 70 people every day was hard enough, now I'm up to 110, and potentially another 10 more. That is way to many people's lives in my head, dude. For real.

I did manage to pass English 121 with an A-. It dropped my GPA to a 3.9, but I should still make the deans list so I'm going to call it a win and go on about my life. I didn't fail. That's the important part...and that class was hard. "Oh but Kim it's english and you talk nonstop, have a huge vocabulary, and if you don't have several books available you think you might die!" Well, yes, that's true, BUT. As much as I love to write, I write in a very general tone, as if we were having a conversation. This is remarkably different than academic writing, and APA formatting is fucking stupid. The entire last five weeks of my life have been buried in a critical response essay I wrote and re-wrote a million times. I still didn't get a thesis right, even with the thesis generator from the school! Whatever, it's over now and I've moved on.

My kids are home from their dads for the school year, and life has continued moving on. Marching band practice started yesterday, we got a new puppy, I have my ex's ex's daughter until Labor day, I'm still dog sitting, the list goes on.

A couple of weeks ago, my Molly girl made her way across the rainbow bridge. Her obliviousness to her own safety let her walk into the path of a car, who didn't even bother to stop, and I'm not sure I'll ever get over that. I saved her collar, and her panda, and we'll either create a shadowbox for her stuff, or a planting, I'm not sure yet. We buried her in the backyard and built a cairn over her grave, and I cried for a week straight.

We spent the entirety of the last weekend at the UP State Fair, and camping. Spent entirely way to much money, but had an absolute blast doing it. Kids are only kids once, so we make the memories while they can. I want my kids to be able to look back and say "My parents did everything they could to make sure we had a wonderful childhood, even though they aren't together.
 Kevin took them to the Theory of a Deadman concert, and my stepson was able to come up as well. It was a good time.

For now though, it's time to get back to the grind, I have to fix some schedules. I love my job, I really do, but damn. It's too many people in my head.

When it rains, it pours.

When it rains, it pours....Thank you Captain Obvious!

As per usual, I am captaining the struggle bus this week. If it could go wrong, it did, and there was nothing else to do but throw my hands in the air, scream FUCK IT really loudly, and just keep moving.

I'm having serious anxiety this week about the English course I'm taking.  With as much as I like to write, you'd think it would be easy. No, that is not the case. I have spent the last decade of my life writing professional emails, which are short and to the point. Avoid the use of unnecessary words. Leave the word "that" out because it's a filler word. Be professional. No slang. Blah Blah Blah. 

I'm being forced to use my brain to think of the long way to describe something, whether it be a feeling evoked by an article, or just a simple summary. For instance, in my professional life, I would write " The author joined a scrabble team and found some friends". In English class, I wrote" The author moved to a new place for work without any social support network. She was invited to join a competitive scrabble team by a colleague, and found herself enamored with the thrill of the competition. She met a lot of new people, and developed some very strong bonds with fellow players". See what I did there?  Both examples say the exact same thing, but one helps to meet the required word count. I'm really struggling with the different thought patterns required to read and write a critical response to an essay. Maybe because in my ancient history working in health care, critical meant something entirely different. I don't know.

The instructor seems fair, but if she takes any longer to post my feedback so I know what my mistakes are, I'm going to find out the last week of class I failed the fucking thing. Which I've dreamt about every night for the last two weeks. Because remembering writing the book report outline and panicking isn't quite enough drama and angst.

Work is going good though, for a nice change of pace. We are gearing up for a major campaign requiring the hiring of an additional 29 people, so I've been working on a staffing plan for these people. Making sure 40 people get 40 hours a week, and designing shifts to match the client need, plus allow for breaks and lunches and days off while still covering 7 days a week is not as easy as you'd think. That said, I managed to impress my very critical ( there is that word again) boss with the work I've done, so there is that.

I'm still puppysitting. They are driving me fucking crazy, and I love them desperately now. Even though I came home from work on Wednesday to find this time they truly did eat my 400 dollar glasses ( and yes, I know I'm stupid for paying that much, but I have really good vision insurance and it covered most of the cost), and shredded a book. A book that wasn't even mine, mind you.

I spent last night in the ER with the teenage manchild, who had his first ( and hopefully last) experience with kidney stones. My entire house smells like vomit, so of course, I'm adding to the smell. Yay for sympathy puking and CVS.

All in all, it's not the worst week I've ever had, but I am really ready for a vacation.

Suckers and stupidity, and a touch of crazy.

We all know I'm a sucker. That's not news. I get sucked into anything having to do with any person or animal in pain or lost or homeless. This time, I bit off way more than I can chew and believe me, I am regretting every fucking second of it.

About a month ago, a friend of mine posted on Facebook "Is anyone available to watch my dogs?". I messaged her to ask what was up, as she has three gorgeous dogs and a nice house the next little 'burb over, and why did she need someone to puppy sit? She tells me "Oh we bought a house a couple hours out but until the financing comes through we are stuck in this no pet temp rental!" ( do you see where this is going?! Open mouth, insert foot, and the whole damn leg). I said "Oh, I can watch them for you! I have a zoo already so what's three more dogs?" At the time, my kids were still home, and I had help. I was stupidly under the impression it would only be a couple of weeks.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I'll tell you what it is. It's a lesson in fucking insanity, that's what. It's a lesson in "How do you get the dog shit off the brand new couch?" and "How do you get the piss smell out from under the laminate floors?" and "What the fuck are you eating now?!" as you chase after the puppy trailing diarrhea behind them like a kite. It's never having a full roll of not shredded toilet paper again, because they don't stay out of anything and are fucking ninja monkeys who get on your table and shelves.

It's having to hunt for the cats who are so aggravated with the dogs they'd rather be outside and never come back.

It's never leaving a box of cereal on the table again because these dogs have no fucking manners.

It's also having to tell your peanut that your friend's dog killed one of her rabbits.

Yes, you read that right. One of these dogs killed one of my kid's rabbit. The other one is now so sad and lonely he actually lets me hold and pet him, and Milo hates me. I can't fully blame the dog, as it's A) a puppy, and B) a dog with a strong hunting instinct. I blame myself for not recognizing this and making sure at bedtime the rabbits are safe and secure in their hutch with the door closed, rather than free roaming in the pen they can get out of. Thank goodness the guinea pigs are safe in their house!

My friend, of course, feels terrible, and is mortified at how naughty her dogs really are.  She offered to buy us another bunny, even though it's not the same, and cried just as hard as I did. But see, when the dogs were with her, there was someone home with them all the time. This mama works full time, and my kids are gone all summer. I'm not home during the day. And when I am home? I'm still working. I'm in school full time (and still rocking a 4.0). So there's been a rough adjustment period. Two of the dogs are puppies, 3 months old, and not fully potty trained, and just like a toddler, when you change their environment, potty cues go out the window. It's a piss on everything free for all. Today I walked in the house and actually started retching. The cereal box incident occurred today, and was accompanied by explosive watery poops. Everywhere. Nothing was spared. I have been home from work for just about 3 hours now, and finally finished scrubbing the downstairs. I'm a little terrified to go upstairs and see what the rest of the house looks like.

She told me today it looks like they'll be in their house the first week of August. I'm not sure we'll survive that long.

A little rant, and some good advice.

YouTube hit the news this week with an uproar about their service hosting videos containing homophobic slurs. In this article, Link (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.  published on Monday 6/10, the CEO of YouTube says she is “personally sorry” for the videos being on the platform, but refused to take them down.

With June being the official Pride month for the LGBTQ community, and the recent publicity surrounding the murders of several transgender women, the refusal to recognize and remove the abusive videos strikes a poignant chord for the community. According to the article, YouTube said last week it would begin “banning videos containing Nazi ideology, as well as those ‘denying well documented violent events’, such as the Holocaust or the Sandy Hook massacre.”

First, not every video containing the above is “bad”. Erasing history doesn’t stop it and refusing to show the effects of the “Nazi ideology” only reinforces the idea it’s okay. Are they also going to stop showing what happened on 9/11? That event had a significant impact on America, and the rest of the world, and precipitated the “war on terror.” This does not mean I support the idea of supremacy of any one person over another - it means I support the idea of learning from the history of our country, and our world. You cannot prevent this from happening again if you don’t know it happened in the first place and acting like it didn’t happen is a slap in the face to the millions of people who not only died, but had their entire history erased.  

Second, hate is hate is hate. As the parent of a transgender child, I spend every day of my life in abject terror for my child’s safety. I have stopped sleeping because I have so many nightmares I wake up vomiting in fear. I spend significant amounts of time researching and preparing to answer questions about medical procedures to help my child live their authentic self, and ensuring my child knows they are loved and supported. I find it absolutely ludicrous it’s okay to gay bash in a video on a public forum such as YouTube, but actual history is erased. How is pretending the Holocaust didn’t happen going to help teach our children the consequences of blind faith without question, and acceptance of differences?  This move by YouTube tells me, as a parent, my kids are not safe on their platform. This tells me people who are different in any way from classic white American man is not safe on their platform.

I would really like to boycott YouTube, but since they are owned by Google, and Google runs the internet this isn't a viable option. What CAN be done though, is to write our legislative teams and ask for more information. Ask for stronger protections on hate speech. Demand respect for individuality. Be more than our history. 

College is...fun?

I got a wild hair a few weeks ago and decided I was going to go back to school. At 38. With a small army of half grown children, and a petting zoo in my home.

Fortunately, I enrolled in an online program, to obtain my bachelors in Psychology. The classes run for 5 weeks, and it's one class at a time.  Ideally, this will help me focus and retain more information than I would otherwise, and not be quite so overwhelming. Plus, it's online so I can actually do my schoolwork in my pajamas and unshowered and braless and nobody will know, or care.

The first class I am taking is called "Personal Dimensions of Education".  The goal is to determine what kind of learner you  are, teach you about different learning styles, and help you understand how you learn best so you can have a successful college career.  It's actually pretty interesting, and I've learned quite a bit- but let me tell you how stupid I truly am.


There is assigned reading for each week, and as I'm going through the reading I am thinking" I'll be damned if I spent $155 fucking dollars on a one page document. There better be some solid gold words of wisdom in this!" I was PISSED.

Turns out, if you scroll down and click to the right, it turns the page and it's a whole fucking book. Who knew?

This week, the "reading coach" ( an interactive video thing) mentioned you could download the book in an audio format if needed.....So I went looking. Turns out, I can download it as a kindle file and actually read it somewhere other than my computer desk. Which I was frustrated about not being able to do because I have horrific cramps and my uterus is revolting because I opted to not get pregnant ever again so whatever, I'm punished every month for it. So last night when I was sitting on the couch while my bones and uterus writhed in the flames at the gates of hell, I could have been reading my text instead of being super irritated about not being able to sit in the computer chair....

College is fun. I'm learning a lot, and thank goodness becuase I can't believe how stupid I am!

Fucking Walmart. And Cars are absolute money pits

I had a flat tire last week. I paid a wrecker $65 motherfucking dollars to come change the tire because I do not have the strength to get of the LAST BLOODY lugnut. Gah.

Anyway, then I was on the spare.....which also went flat. Story of my fucking life, right? Just wait- it gets EVEN BETTER.

I have one of those cars with a weird tire size, which means nobody carries them in regular stock. Except for once, Walmart. So, I order the bloody tires ( they have to come in pairs, I guess? This might have been a lie I was told) and the store calls me and says KIM YOUR TIRES ARE IN COME ON OVER AND WE'LL GET YOU RIGHT IN AND IT WILL ONLY BE A FEW MINUTES!!

.....
So I hop into my broken car and travel across the highway to WalMart, and go stand at the counter of the tire and lube express. The gentleman who was working is one of those incredibly nice people, albeit clueless.  He normally works in the photo department ( I live in a small town, I know where the regular walmart people work, okay?) so I was willing to cut him some slack...until he asked me  " So where are we putting these tires?"

Without even taking a breath I shot back " On the car?"

Like, are we having  a serious conversation right now or was this a big joke I wasn't let in on?

He reacted like I'd told the funniest joke ever, and explained to me what position on the car did I want the new tires to be , drivers or passenger, front or rear. I said " I really don't care. I want the flat spare taken off, and replaced. Wherever you want to put the other tire is fine with me...Just put it on.

Then the poor man tells me " Okay, it will be about an hour and we'll page you!"" Okay mother fucker- a few minutes does not equal an hour, especially in the middle of my workday!  So I marched my fat ass back across the highway, just STEAMING mad. In shitty walking shoes and through melting snow puddles. My socks were wet and my temper absolutely shot. 

I get back to my desk just as the phone rings- it's walmart.  I said out loud " You fuckers better not be already done!"

Nope, they were calling to tell me I ordered the wrong size tires for my car. Umm...the fuck I did! I researched that shit like a champ before I ordered! ( Hello google? What size tires does a 2011 Ford Focus SES use?) So fine - I ordered the wrong size. It's not the first time I've done something like that...They have the right size and it's only another 30 dollars per tire, so I tell them to go ahead and make the change and I'll pay the difference when I pick the car up.

FIVE FUCKING MINUTES LATER Walmart calls again. " Hi Kim? A here from walmart! Turns out you DID order the right size, you have two different size tires on your car!"   Turns out when my mechanic put it on for me, he put on the wrong size...and why would I check? I trust my mechanic right?

I wound up buying a third tire to make all my bloody tires the same size, and called it done.  No wonder I had such a hard time this winter!! IF I wasn't stuck in the stupid driveway, I was stuck in the ditch, and it never dawned on me to check the tire SIZE. 

It wasn't even 3pm and I was so done with the day I was ready for tomorrow.